Secret Tellings
by truly nutters
Summary: Sirius and Remus think it's about time they tell Harry about their secret relationship as well as a few other secrets. But just like all things in life… some things are easier said than done…
1. Mission: Get Out of the Closet

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Warnings: slash, MPREG, insinuated baby-making activities, random stupidity... and of course, the killer, this is my first yaoi/slash and just about any fic (on my own)...so it definitely sucks beyond belief, but I'm trying...**

**Summary: Sirius and Remus think it's about time they tell Harry about their secret relationship as well as a few other secrets. But just like all things in life... some things are easier said than done...**

**Genre: Romance/Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own HP or its' characters, just the plot.**

**A/N: Consider this an alternate reality where Sirius _didn't_ die. It's also a bit AU because I don't think that Harry's parents...erm...you'll find out. This fic is also takes place after Voldemort's death. I apologize if anyone is insulted by the contents of this fic and hope that you all read the warnings. FLAMES ARE DEFINITYLY ACCEPTED.  
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**SECRET TELLINGS  
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**Day 1**

_"Don't you mean 'Night 1'? I mean seriously, Remus, it wasn't that much of a day anyway." _

"Please Sirius you're giving me a headache...Plus, it doesn't have to be a full day for it to count as one; I'm just saying that's what it should be. It took a whole week for all of this to happen and frankly when were you one for correct information? I mean you're one to talk! Aren't you the same man who once wrote in an essay on the creation of wizard kind for Professor Binns' History class '...all wizards and witches came from the first wizard and the first witch who came together in a way my mother wouldn't tell me**** Which makes me wonder, would you mind telling me how they cametogether...'"

_"Oh please! I was nothing but an ickle 2nd year when he asked for that essay, plus I was right wasn't I!_ _Think about it! To start a whole race or species you start out with the first two halves of it and then they get their thing on, and voila!"_

"That has got to be the most idiotic thing I've ever heard of, Sirius! Hello! Have you forgotten!?! Merlin...the greatest and only Wizard in the medieval times? Does that name ring a bell at all in that thick head of yours? But anyways, that wasn't nearly as bad as what you've done now! So shut up and lets get this over with."

_"What are you talking about? So I let it slip to the your therapist that...well, I let it slip that the cause to all of your 'stress' came from us trying to tell Harry our little secret..." Sirius was beginning to squirm just thinking about how horrible things had gotten. _

_"Well just be glad it's all over and done with. Once we write down all about the week and how things came about we need never think of this again. Which reminds me; go look up a spell to make sure that this letter burns to flames after he reads it, in our next group therapy session. Wouldn't want to leave any incriminating evidence..." Remus right eye was already twitching thinking of all the embarrassment and fun the Weasly clan would have with all of this and thought. Dear Merlin please don't let Tonks and the rest of them be there!_

_Sirius' thoughts on the other hand were on wondering what Remus was thinking about. But as that got a bit boring after the first 10 minutes he decided to get on that spell Remus wanted. _

_Right-o then... from the looks of things, it seems my dear Remmy-poo is thinking of things that aren't too pleasant. Oh well. Aha! Found it. _

_The most devious of smiles took over Sirius' handsome features. He looked from his wand and the book with the spell and then at Remus' glazed look and the letter. Oh how horrible it would be of me... to not test this spell out first! _

_"AHH... SIRIUS!!" Remus had a rude awakening from his thoughts. All he knew was that, the letter he'd been working on for hours was now gone to the flames. He might've thought it was some kind of accident if it hadn't been the fact that he'd seen Sirius' back as he ran as fast as he could from the room. Leaving him, alone to try and remember the charm to put out the fire. Once everything got back to normal ('Whew, at least I saved the kitchen table'), he suddenly realized.  
  
__Now he'd have to restart the assignment!!!_

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The low growl of thunder seemed imminent off in the distance. Gray clouds slowly enveloping the sky, were giving everything a gloomy air. Such a dark sense took everything that was usually bright and sunny. Trees now shrouded in darkness, animals quietly ducking for shelter, people quickly walking to their destinations in hurried concessions, all waiting for the onslaught of the rain to come. And all the man, perched by the window could think of while he looked at the  
dark beauty before him was..._bloody hell._

Such awful weather would be somewhat of a good reason for such course language, but too bad that was the least of the man's thoughts as he said those words. No, bad weather was definitely the last thing on Sirius Black's mind as he got yet another sick feeling at the thoughts of what he was about to do.

_Of all the days we had to do this, why is the weather like this? But...Noooo...it couldn't have been sunshine and white fluffy clouds...it just had to be bloody gloomy weather. Wonder if this is some stupid punishment for all of the things we'd ever done, or worse yet...heaven forbid...some kind of sign of what's to come. _All in all, Sirius Black's thoughts weren't exactly the kind to give you the warm fuzzies.

Remus Lupin on the other hand, may have been slightly nervous but was definitely faring a lot better than Sirius. Though you might not have been able to tell right off the bat, but on closer inspection and one more familiar with Remus' habits would be able to tell.

For one, Remus seemed to be sporting a new set of dark blue robes that accented his blue eyes. The full moon already having passed a week earlier, he didn't look as peaky, and his wheat blonde hair was neatly parted and combed. To say the least, Remus was looking very good, and very different from his normal shabby and peaky look. This fact wasn't lost on Sirius, so he knew that he wasn't as calm as he seemed. He said as much, hoping to lighten the mood.

"Jeez Moony, I've never seen you look so pretty before and you took nearly 2 hours to get all dolled up. I'm feeling rather put out; you've never tried so hard or looked so good for _me_." Sirius all but pouted, before he added, "Plus, you shouldn't be so worried. Wasn't this what we both wanted? Everything will be fine..."

Remus just scowled at Sirius, though mostly for being found out so soon. "Well, I'm sorry, its not like I've ever needed to dress nicely , cough"

"Having sex," Sirius interjected

Remus continued however as if he hadn't had been interrupted, because knowing and living with Sirius it became a natural occurrence "...our activities. And for another, weren't YOU the one who was telling me after last nights 'said' activities that you were worried you might be screwing up your best friend's only son?"

With that said, Sirius' disheveled state was now easily spoken for. Oddly enough, he looked a lot more like James with his hair in disarray. His shirt wasn't tucked in, which was shown by his open front black robes. Dark eyes were shot with definite anxiety and the lines that marred his handsome face spoke volumes of his apprehension.

Remus knew that in this state, he would be easily agitated at any given moment. It was utterly strange how concern made him angry, but Remus figured it must've been some kind of defense mechanism.

Sirius' mind however had strayed from the topic for a second, as always. It really did amaze him, how Remus was so afraid to say the words 'sex' when it pertained to them. He wasn't like that back when it all started, but it must've still given him the jitters that someone might find out that they were gay.

And now after 7 years, they'd be going public about it... well not really, more like telling they're family about it. It's a start, right? He really hoped Remus would get over his shyness about their relationship, especially if they were to tell his godson about it tonight. I mean... he showed me pretty damn well how gay he was last night...

_Yes, telling Harry that his dad's 2 best friends are a little more than best friends...hell, a LOT more than best friends...which is something that will most definitely scar him for life... well, if we don't do this right. _Frankly, Remus had to agree with Sirius on this point. Sending Harry off to Mungos will be pretty hard to cover up with the media...

"Yes, well, I do have the right to be a little nervous, I don't think I remembered to tell you last night...but well...it happened a while back...you know, d-didn't really think it was worth telling." Sirius was obviously having a hard time getting this out, and Remus knew Harry would be here soon, so he cut him off short.

"I know, Sirius. It'll be kind of hard, and awkward at first, but I desperately think it's about time." Remus said, trying to comfort him. "Plus, once he knows we won't have to worry about sneaking off during one of his parties..."

Sirius grinned at the thought, "To have sex. But that's not what I meant." Sirius took a sigh, and frankly this scared Remus more than anything he's ever done. And trust me; Sirius has done a lot of scary things.

"Do you remember that one boy Hermione went out with? Eh...what was his name, Tracey...Halfaman? No, Tracey Halfmoon, that's it! Yeah well, I'm not too clear about the details and Harry was a bit hysterical while he was telling me...well...you know how _everyone_ wants to be close to Harry?" Sirius managed to get out, choppily.

"Yes! Just tell me, Sirius, I can handle it," an exasperated Remus breathed out.

"Alright...well, let's just say our little boy has... well he has more than just girls after him..."

"Well of course, there's plenty of younger and older women going after someone as handsome and famous as Harry..."

"NO," With a sigh Sirius finally just came out with it. "You see...

TraceywasgayandusedHermionetogetclosetoHarry!" Sirius had decided to rush it at the last moment out of fear. "Now swear on everything you hold dear that you won't tell Harry that I told you."

Sirius all of a sudden had a twitchy feel about him. Looking behind his back and around him, half expecting Harry to be there with his wand aimed at him and half expecting Voldemort to jump out and yell 'HEIDY HO' both thoughts really made him want to wet himself silly!

After a few moments trying to decipher what Sirius said, Remus finally retorted, "Well...I guess the Potter charm really does work all the time." Sounding a bit dazed, and wondering what the hell this had to do with their plans to tell Harry the big news tonight... let's just say Remus Lupin was very lost.

_Well it wasn't exactly the kind of response he had imagined when he told Remus the news, actually it's a lot better than what he thought his little werewolf would do..._After a moment thinking about this and what he'd said, it suddenly dawned on Sirius that he hadn't told him the part that would be a thorn in the grand scheme of things tonight. "Eh...Remus, I love you." Giving him a shaky grin.

"Okay, Sirius, what is going on? You only say 'I love you' in that way, when something bad is about to happen. And frankly the fact that men happen to like Harry is a good thing; he's had a dose of homosexuality..." Remus was beginning to reassure Sirius.

"Argh! No, Remus, that wasn't what I was going to say. It's just that...well...HARRY'S A SLIGHT BIT WEARY OF THE QUEER!!!!" Sirius had had enough. Harry would be here soon, and if he didn't tell Remus this now, they really would have to figure out a way to divert the media away from Harry's oncoming booking into Mungos.

With that said, Remus walked over to a couch in the room and frankly fainted onto it. Sirius, watching and concerned, took a hold of Remus' collar and began to shake him wildly. Panic sure does do weird things to a person...but of course nothing worked, when it came to Sirius, so to wake him up, Sirius did what he did best. A small little prank to give him a good jolt would do the job nicely.

With that said, Sirius straddled Remus' lap and began to do some rather...jerky movements, that oddly enough reminded you of rabbits... He then looked cheekily behind him, and gasped "Oh Merlin, Harry! You shouldn't be interrupting, but then again, Remus has been a rather horny little monster!"

Remus sat up so fast Sirius swore he heard more than a few bones crack and was quickly thrown off his lap. "Harry, this isn't what it looks like! I swear, we were just messing around you know Sirius..." and Remus began to blubber for a good 5 minutes before Sirius politely coughed to gain his attention, while rubbing a sore spot on the back of his head.

"Well, that was a rather good impression of Wormtail, Moony. I say, you haven't been harboring any secret flame for him, have you?" Now that the worst was over, Sirius was as good as new. Not that that's a good thing for Remus, it just means that he's going to be as silly as humanly possible in the hopes to bring himself and those around him to the point of insanity.

"Now Padfoot...you know Harry should be getting here soon... why don't we start talking this whole thing over? I mean, maybe now's not the time to go open with all of this. Better yet, why don't we just enjoy a nice little get together tonight and get things ready for that?" Remus had started to back away; the glint in Sirius' eye was getting him kind of nervous.

"Hmm...I don't think so, Remus. What with all of this drama, I think it's about time we had a little fun." Sirius had also started to walk towards Remus, strategically making sure that Remus fell flat on his back on the coffee table.

"S-Sirius! W-we really m-must discuss this homophobic matter...H-he could-d be here any moment. SIRIUS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY NEW WITH MY SHIRT! Sirius...mm...stop...mm...it, NOW!"

That was all Remus was able to get out. Sirius' charm was one to rival James' but then again Sirius was also very adamant when it came to something he most desperately wanted. And right now, it seemed that he wanted a good snog (bordering on shagging) with his handsome beast.

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The bad thing was that they had managed to pick the wrong spot for a good snog. You see, like most common people, the coffee table happened to be in front of the fireplace. The fireplace, which happened to be, of course, the floo place. Of course with their luck, guess who happened to have stepped in?

Well, more like fall in, cause at that exact moment, you would expect none other than Harry Potter himself to be the one who flooed over. Of course, what with Remus and Sirius right in front of the fireplace, the man happened to have fallen on the two hormonal...or was that horny...men.

Good thing was, that it wasn't Harry. It was another man, plain looking to the eye, and rather haggard from what Sirius and Remus could tell. Though of course, a man neither recognized nor knew by Sirius or Remus.

As the mystery man started to brush himself off with a very apparent blush gracing his face, Remus and Sirius finally realized that they were gawking at him...and well...still in a rather embarrassing position. Still it made Sirius grin, noticing that the young man wouldn't look either one of them in the eye.

"Well, now, we were expecting someone else...and I don't mean to be disrespectful...but WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?" Sirius' bold voice was obviously lacking the politeness cause of the loss of precious snogging time...

"Eh...what he means to say is, um...might I ask what your doing in our apartment, sir?" Remus eyed Sirius lazily, knowing that nothing he or anybody said would ever change his behavior. _I pray to god this man, is at least a LITTLE bit more tolerant to Sirius' bad manners than the others..._

"Well monsieur I have come bearing terrible news. You see...Harry Potter was just killed tonight...." He had bowed his head and his hat in his hands, fingering it nervously as he waited to see their reactions to the news.

Sirius and Remus' eyes were wide and disbelieving after all their discussions, after all their worries... this was just plain cruel. The messenger began to shuffle a bit, the tension in the room making him even more uncomfortable.

"I'm most sorry monsieur..."

"Don't be. This is what we get, Remus, look at what we've done. The day we tell him something that could've possibly given himself a heart attack and die, he actually goes off and kills himself."

Both men practically fell on the loveseat in the living room. Remus replied with a curt, "Oh how cruel irony is..."

After a moment of silence, the messenger was suddenly before Sirius, "So Sirius...Sirius...Sirius...SIRIUS!"

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"Huh?!" Sirius quickly snapped out of his thoughts. Remus was looking pointedly at him in a disapproving matter, as he covered up for Sirius' lack of participation in their conversation with Harry.

Harry was now looking away from Sirius, after having asked him a question that the older man failed to answer. After that, Harry began to ask insane questions such as "Oh, I can have your new motorcycle now?" or "WOW! You're going to shave your head bald, so I can make a wig that looks exactly like your hair for me?"

All of the formerly mentioned questions failed to be answered. Sirius could hear tidbits of the lies Remus quickly aimed at Harry, in his defense. Things like "He IS getting old...didn't get his afternoon nap...you know that old joker..." dying off in a nervous chuckle. Sirius didn't really care; all of it sounded boring, and he was instantly thinking about his latest dream.

_Of course the way things were going on in my dream would probably be a lot better than what was going on now... _Sirius was bored stiff. He sat there, slumped on a chair in the living room. His head was tilted and rested on his arm, which rested on the arm of the chair.

You see, it had been hours upon hours since the snog, and all Remus had done once he managed to gain some self control was to sit and talk about their 'Homophobe Harry' situation. Frankly it earned the capitals in the name, because they had exhausted the conversation to the point where both Sirius and Remus were knackered.

Of course, just as Sirius had gotten Remus back on the coffee table, thinking Harry had something else to do that day, the younger man decided to stumble upon them...much like what Sirius had dreamed the messenger had done. And of course Remus had to blubber around about Sirius tickling him with no mercy. To make things just peachy, Harry apologized profusely about auror business taking him away, and actually bought the load of bull Remus hand fed him.

And now, here he sat bored nearly to tears, listening to Remus and Harry talk on the loveseat about something. Of course that something didn't include homosexual relations between them, and now how the hell were they supposed to be able to sneak out to snog?!? To amuse himself, Sirius had begun to imagine the different possible outcomes of tonight.

This had caused a grin on his face, that Harry happened to have noticed. "So Sirius what's so funny that's caused you to be grinning like a maniac that just got away with the kill?"

_Hmm...the kill, eh? He's almost close; no wonder why he decided to become an auror. _"Uh...well its funny you should say that. Um...well you see I happen to be in a relationship now. And the thought of that special someone, is what's really making me happy." Sirius was giving that wolfish grin now, and looking devilishly towards Remus. Remus on the other hand was waving his hands wildly in a sad attempt to tell Sirius 'no' over Harry's head.

Harry grinned, liking the thought he might have a surrogate mother soon. "THAT'S GREAT SIRIUS! I mean, I know you loved your bachelorhood and all...to bag one of the finest wizards the wizarding world has to offer, this special someone must be incredible!"

"More like insane..." Remus muttered under his breath.

Of course, Harry wouldn't be deterred, "Well at least I know you have good taste; better than Hermione's with that Tracey bloke..."

With those first words, both Sirius and Remus paled and went deadly silent. A scared look was passed between the two, as a very oblivious Harry kept going on and on about Sirius' new lover. Though what he said was lost to his hosts' ears, both men's thoughts were very grave indeed.

"Um...Harry you wouldn't mind if me and Sirius went to the kitchen for a bit. We...uh...we well had a surprise dinner for you, and we both need to finish up a bit. I know how tired you are, so why don't you just lay back and relax." With that said, Remus promptly dragged Sirius to the kitchen by his ear.

"Owww!!! Remus...." Sirius had started to whine again.

"DID I NOT TELL YOU WE WEREN'T GOING TO DO THIS TONIGHT! DID WE NOT SIT IN THIS VERY FLAT AND DID WE NOT HAVE THE CONVERSATION ABOUT THIS PROBLEM! SO WHY THE HELL MUST YOU BRING IT BACK TO THIS!!!!! NOW HARRY WILL ASK WHO YOUR MYSTERY LOVER IS AND YOU HAD BETTER FIND A WOMAN AND FAST, BECAUSE WE ARE NOT DOING THIS NOW!!!" Remus was sorely out of breath after that rant.

Sirius was sitting on one of the kitchen stools, picking on some fruit on the counter. "You done yet? Well, after that wonderful conversation earlier and sitting to your invigorating conversation with Harry, that I'd have a little fun. I was bored, and you know how I get when I'm bored. So I blame this whole predicament on you!"

Remus began to massage his temples; maybe he should've made Sirius go out for the day while he talked to Harry. But then again if he had, he would've screwed up royally, for he didn't know about Harry's homophobic ways. Life sure is one big misery...

Remus was now sitting beside Sirius by the kitchen counter, which wasn't that good of an idea... especially if you knew Sirius. Frankly, it's safe to say he had a one-track mind. As Remus was sitting with his back to Sirius, thinking that this was possibly the second _worst_ day of his life...err maybe the fifth _worst_day of his life... Sirius of course never missed an opportunity to get a good snog, because hopefully it would turn into a good _shag_ and here was his chance.

"Hmm...Sirius that feels so good...hmm" Sirius had started to massage Remus' tension-filled back and frankly having Sirius' experienced hands on his back was something he'd swear he'd never turn down till the end of his days. Even though it should've registered in his mind that this was a bad sign. After such a tiring day, with nothing centering on Sirius, it was bound to happen soon.

Sirius mind was working...working fast, trying to think up a way to get what he wanted before Remus realized what it was that he was doing. By massaging slowly, he knew he'd be distracted for as long as he massaged. But he needed more, going slowly and patience wasn't what Sirius was famous for...

"So Remus...is your back feeling better? I want you well rested..." Sirius had left the sentence unfinished for added affect.

Remus was now engrossed in the wonderful things Sirius' hands were doing to his back. So much so, that he couldn't comprehend what exactly it was that Sirius was saying and just kept nodding. Without realizing it, he had just agreed to lie down on the kitchen counter for a supposed "massage". Remus was quite content until that is, he felt Sirius straddle him.

"Sirius, what the hell are you doing!" Remus' arms were flailing about, trying to reach for anything that would free him from Sirius' grasp. All the while thinking _this is definitely not my day._

"Sirius! How can you think about...THAT.... at a time like this!?!" Remus indignantly sputtered at, while adjusting his mussed up robes. Sirius on the other hand was conked out on the floor; one of Remus' brass pots newly dented lay beside him.

"Jeez Remus! That seriously hurt!" Sirius looked on the verge of tears while rubbing the back of his head gingerly. _Never let it be known that Moony has one heck of a swing!_

"Sirius, that was neither the right time nor the right place to be doing this! Harry is right outside that door, right there! What would've happened if he'd walked in on us?" Remus had an uncanny way of reminding Sirius of Lily's old lecturing self.

"What!? It wasn't as if I'd done anything wrong..." Sirius raised a hand to stop whatever it was that Remus was going to say. "I mean seriously! It wasn't as if I was going 'Oh Remus! TAKE ME RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW ON THE KITCHEN TABLE, YOU RANDY BASTARD YOU!'"

Outside, Harry practically choked on his bottle of butterbeer and gave the door to the kitchen a disgruntled look. Before he...

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Remus' eyebrows rose dangerously high into his hairline, disbelief at Sirius' awful attempt at a falsetto and the fact that he was now on the table trying to pose like a harlot.

"What are you, an idiot? I just washed that table before Harry came over!" Remus reprimanded a rather comical looking Sirius.

"Oh come on—"

But that was all that Sirius was able to get out before a sharp and unexpected slap to his face came his way. Sirius almost expected to be sleeping on the couch with the look Remus was giving him. The weird thing was that his cheek had the odd feeling of still being slapped over and over...

* * *

Sirius' eyes blearily opened, a light above him making his eyes burn. "Am I in heaven...?" Another sharp slap came to his left cheek. He now seemed to realize whoever it was, was alternating the slaps between his cheeks.

Now that he was awake and talking, Harry and Remus decided not to bother with anything else. What was the point in asking him how many fingers they were holding up when they could see he was already awake? There was also no point in asking him any questions about time, events, or anything else for that matter seeing as this was Sirius we were talking about.

"Ehh...you know what, Harry? Maybe it's time for you to go... Not that we don't appreciate spending time with you... but—"

At this point Remus leaned in towards Harry, at the same time as Harry leaned his ear towards Remus, giving a nice sidelong glance at the still sitting and dazed Sirius. "Sirius doesn't seem to be quite feeling well... I think it's best he get tucked in before he does himself some real harm" – _I think he's_ _done more harm to our_ _relationship than can handle...or fix, that is_—", why don't you leave this all to me. I'm pretty sure he'll be pretty embarrassed at what he's done –"_ yeah right—", _especially since it's in front of his godson and all."

Seeing as Sirius had been acting funny all night, Harry pretty much bought the entire load of bullhonkey Remus fed him – _I guess you really are a marauder Remus! Either that, or we really need to get Harry up to par? What do you think? Oh...well... OH YEAH! I didn't do that much damage. (Thinks to self: not as much as I usually do, anyways evil grin)—_. With one final word to Sirius, stating that he hoped the older man would feel better soon, Harry was gone.

Remus was definitely not in the mood; once Harry was gone he turned back to a now sheepish Sirius. Oh he 'tucked' Sirius into bed... the couch bed! That bloody bastard knew that his blood pressure was high enough as it was without him adding to the mix!

Sirius on the other hand, wasn't as fazed by what had occurred that night. But what really got him was...

_What a horrible night it truly was... Remus didn't give me my goodnight kiss..._

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It was near the end of the week, and all Sirius and Remus could say was that it could've possibly been THE most horrible week in both of their lives. Well... almost...

Both Remus and Sirius collapsed on their bed in their flat. Side by side, shoulder to shoulder, looking up at the ceiling with tired, weary expressions. Still fully clothed, and the room so dark you could barely see anything, neither man spoke.

They were lost in their own thoughts for a while, enjoying the peace and solitude. That is until they finally thought it was getting a bit eerie, which was when they both looked at each other and said at the same time: "WE'RE GOING TO BE SECRETLY GAY FOR THE REST OF OUR MISERABLE LIVES!"

After the week they'd both gone through, they had every right to say this.

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_**Day 2**_

Yesterday being everyone's lounge day Sunday – _you mean_ _a ruddy lousy one Sirius— _Monday, was looking to be a brighter day. That is, until Sirius got to Hogwarts.

Remus was off doing Merlin-knows-what, and Sirius, being the brave and daring person that he is, went off to Hogwarts, the school for the ickle witches and wizards, you know what I mean. Right? Anyway, it just so happens Harry was working some of his substitute flying instructor skills that day, and Sirius decided that maybe now would be a good time to get down with the dirty. '_Not to mention the fact that it would be a great way to make it up to Remus... off the couch and back into the room... so that we can... cough cough...if you know what I mean.' _

The only good thing about that day was possibly the fact that dumb luck was on their side that morning. I mean, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Sirius was wandering through the halls – _nostalgia really gets you there! I swear! Sirius— _when he decided to go down to the teacher's lounge. Thinking he was just going to go see Minnie before he'd have to take Hogwarts' impending doom out of there fast!

Just as Sirius was about to take the final turn before the teacher's lounge, he spotted Harry walking absentmindedly in there with paper work. When Harry opened the door, Sirius could even see that there wasn't anyone in there! He couldn't believe his luck, and after a quick pep talk to himself –_don't ask— _he walked towards the door.

No one would've really noticed that he was nervous, unless you were up close. Sweat was creasing his brow, and his hands were slightly clenched at his sides. You might've thought he was a man walking death row...if you knew him _very _well, which Hermione did.

Becoming the Transfiguration Professor at Hogwarts was an honor; an honor Hermione had gladly accepted when McGonagall had approached her about it. Now, because of it, Harry and Hermione had plenty of reason to see each other, and Ron did love Hogwarts (well the place not the schoolwork).

When Harry came to Ron and Hermione after his weekly visit to Sirius and Remus, they really hadn't thought much about it. I mean, what Harry did say, did sound a bit odd, but that was only if you didn't know a person as...spirited, shall we say...as 'the' Sirius Black. They'd rather absentmindedly chalked it up to some reason or another about them being old and wanting one final prank to pull.

That was, until Hermione had spotted the strange behavior happening all over the place. Remus and Sirius just happened to be everywhere that Harry was. Whispering to each other, looking as if death was about to come, and so much more that Hermione herself was getting interested in what was going on between the two.

And low and behold, one of the only times that they were separated, Sirius comes here to Hogwarts and acting as odd as she was sure the day he was born. She was beginning to think it was something horrible, I mean 'one' man doesn't even take this long to ask a woman to marry a man! Let alone two!

_Maybe Ron and I should've taken a better look at this. _Hermione decided she'd let things go for now and wait to make her analysis of what exactly was going on here.

..._To be continued..._

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**Ending Note**: Well there's the end of chapter one of this fic. I have no idea how long it's going to be, maybe 2-3 chapters. But this is my first real fic and I just wanted to see if it would do any good, or if I should just go crawl underneath my covers and never pick up another pencil in my life. I know its not that much, but I tried that's all I can say.

Anyways, I hope there are people out there who have some ideas, because my lousy bums of friends aren't very helpful in that department. So send me an email or a review and I'll try and incorporate any ideas out there! Which leads me to my final point...PLEASE REVIEW, FLAME, OR JUST ANYTHING!!!!!!

Bye for now.


	2. Easier Said Than Done

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Warnings: slash, MPREG, insinuated baby-making activities, random stupidity... and of course, the killer, this is my first yaoi/slash and just about any fic (on my own)...so it definitely sucks beyond belief, but I'm trying...

**Summary: Sirius and Remus think it's about time they tell Harry about their secret relationship as well as a few other secrets. But just like all things in life... some things are easier said than done...**

**Genre: Romance/Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own HP or its' characters, just the plot.**

**A/N: Consider this an alternate reality where Sirius _didn't_ die. It's also a bit AU because I don't think that Harry's parents...erm...you'll find out. This fic is also takes place after Voldemort's death. I apologize if anyone is insulted by the contents of this fic and hope that you all read the warnings. FLAMES ARE DEFINITYLY ACCEPTED.**

**SECRET TELLINGS**

* * *

**_Date: Day 3_**

_(Note to self: Approximately 3 days since the night of supposed strange-ness at Remus and Sirius' flat.)_

_Subjects: Remus Lupin and Sirius Black _

Ron glanced over Hermione's shoulder as her neat script was being hastily jotted down. "Oy 'Mione… is it really necessary to keep a log like this?"

With a quick roll of her eyes and slight purse of her lips Hermione replied with a curt, "Of course it is, Ronald! Don't you care about Harry at all? Do I honestly have to explain all of this to you -- AGAIN, might I add?"

Ron just stared at her, thinking all the while._ So this is why is she works in the Department of Mysteries…her bloody professional organization skills. _She still continued to write, despite the onslaught of yet another possible row.

_Mission statement: Find out what the bloody hell they're hiding._

Ron again… _Never mind, maybe Harry and I are rubbing off on her. _

"Ron don't you understand? After all that Voldemort bullocks we had to go through, Harry's state of mind is VERY fragile. I stress the word 'Very' because it took months upon months after the final battle till Harry could just sleep normally!"

"Oh he was just being a big baby! He got over it soon enough." Ron interjected

"The finest mediwizards in Britain even said that change is very hard for Harry at the moment. Take that a step further and you'll realize that Remus and Sirius are the leading father figures in his life; two people he sees as constants as far as important people in his lives goes. If they decide to spring some monumental life-changing episode on him, he might just go 'round the bend!" There was a slight pause as Hermione let the words sink in. But given a second of thought, she continued to fully answer Ron's statement.

"In response to you're last comment, you and the boys taking Harry out to get him drunk was NOT him getting over it." Hermione was glaring so furiously at the memory of that special night, that even Ron knew that it should've caused him to keel over dead.

"Now, who's to say it's bad Herms? I mean, they could be asking Harry to go meet that special someone…"

"After how many years of womanizing and bachelorhood?" Hermione was VERY skeptical at this point. When Harry had told them what he had thought, she had asked him to give him the exact wording, and she was firm in her believe that it was the ole Sirius sarcasm at its work.

"… Or maybe Remus has some more traveling to do." Ron knowing he couldn't beat Hermione

at her best, decided to just ignore any side comments for the time being.

"Oh please; those are utterly ridiculous! Remus and Sirius are celebrated heroes, they're pretty much two retired men living off of the bounties of being two men who've helped save wizarding kind; living the life they lost because of all of the rubbish Wormtail caused. The next thing your going to say is that they've actually been gay for the past some odd years."

Ron burst out sickering at this point. Both of them thinking…_Sirius? Remus? Gay? _Even Hermione had to laugh at the absurdity.

After a few quick moments of laughter, it suddenly stopped. Both of their faces were mirroring the same thoughts.

_Well… that would explain… _

Doubt clouded over them for just a split second, before…

_NAH… _

With a quick shake of their heads, they decided to offhandedly laugh it off without even looking at each other.

_Right?_

Hermione returned to her writing and Ron continued to drink his morning coffee while reading the quidditch section in the _Prophet_.

…_Things were just getting too weird lately…_

* * *

**Day 2 and counting…**

"Ron!"

"—I mean, why would you ever think something like that's going on?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. _Oh bother. _

"I mean this IS Sirius Black we're talking about! Something's always going on when it comes to this bloke! He pretty much carries the 'ESSENCE' of what made the Marauders who they were! I really do think you're just over reacting." Ron stated, finally satisfied.

"I'm over reacting? Who's just ranted for the past 3 hours how it's impossible that Sirius BLEEDING Black is up to some dastardly plan!? How un-Sirius like does that sound to you?" Hermione testily said back. Listening to one dolt named Ronald Weasly for said 3 hours isn't the most pleasurable of things to do on an already dismal Monday.

Ron started once again… and Hermione just realized he was probably going to continue as such for the next 3 hours at their current rate. So she decided to just leave… and go find Harry.

--

On the complete other side of Hogwart's grounds, Sirius was in a jam. One moment he was about to go in to talk to Harry in the teacher's lounge area. The next moment he had a very sudden urge to go to the loo. On his way there, he had the pleasure of reacquainting with several portraits.

For a brief period of time, he just had to say hello to the suits of armors. They even sang a little ditty for him, seeing as Christmas wasn't coming anytime soon. Proper courtesies did state that one should always give his dues to past acquaintances. He was just being a gentleman!

In no way was he prolonging the inevitable by standing on the fourth floor, talking to possibly the hundredth painting about how big a scare he'd given him almost a decade back when he had slashed the poor fat lady's portrait. Nope, definitely not prolonging things.

"'Lo Sirius." One painfully ignorant godson, with the unfortunate ability of having the padded feet perfect for stealth, ironically the reason behind his own nickname, had decided to sneak up on him.

Ah… how those thoughts of nights where stealth was of the essence suddenly reminded Sirius of his naming day, a story best saved for a more appropriate time. _cough focus…_

Still Sirius almost winced at the sound of his voice. _Of course he'd find me, he always finds me just when I really don't need to be found by him_. _It's_ _now or never, right? Best get it over with, Padfoot old dog. _

"Harry…" _Wait, no, don't just blurt it out! This is too big to be just randomly sussed out. _

"There you are, Harry." Sirius was saved by none other than, a slightly breathless, Hermione Granger. "Sirius, what a pleasant surprise. "

_I always did love that little bookworm. _

"You wouldn't mind if I stole Harry for just a moment."

"Uh… of course, why not? I'll… just continue talking with my portrait…"

"Well then, come along Professor Potter, there was something I wanted to talk to you about in my office." With that final word, Hermione led Harry down another corridor with their heads close together in conversation.

Leaving behind a rather dazed Sirius, thinking '_How in bloody hell did that happen?'_

_--_

Now, Sirius may not have been THE brightest wizard during his stay at Hogwarts, but he was most definitely quoted as "one of" the brightest wizards and frankly it didn't take the bloody brightest wizard of all bleeding time to know what was going on. And that was that THE brightest "witch" of her generation was being a right bit pain in the arse at the moment.

It seemed that wherever Harry turned while he might have been right behind him, Hermione was almost always a step ahead of both them. If he didn't know any better, he'd say she was intercepting him on purpose!

Trying to tell Harry was hard enough as it is, but with Hermione always around it seemed doubly hard especially with her chocolate brown eyes drilling into you suspiciously like that.

He was seriously getting a headache from all those accusatory looks.

_I always knew that Granger was out to get me. The fact that she owns a cat should've sounded the alarms._

_Now how in Merlin's beard, was he supposed to get out of the closet? Oh yeah…_ "Lumos." _Ahh… there's the door, these broom closets seemed a lot bigger back in the day. _

* * *

**Day 5**

Early this morning you could find our two undeniably favorite gay men arguing on the front stoop of Hermione Granger's small flat located in a quiet neighborhood in muggle London.

"Sirius, weren't you the man who once used the age old proverb 'If you can't beat them, join them?'" Remus was quickly winning this round. Actually he had just learned his lesson in fighting against idiots. Which was that you don't!

Lessons from the memoirs of Remus Lupin: _Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you through experience. And Sirius CAN be an idiot. _

Hermione was, of course, first on their lists in enlisting her help. They couldn't get the sinking feeling that she was totally trying to sabotage their plans for coming out of the closet. They'd be lucky if she let them off the hanger, for all that it was worth.

"Yes, but that was before we had to tell someone we were gay! Don't you think Harry will be a little ticked off that we told Hermione first, and not him?"

"What?! Sirius, you make this sound like we're telling them we're pregnant first. That's when it matters that you tell the most important people in your life first. Coming out doesn't exactly hold the same rules!" Remus' hands went up in exasperation at all this chatter.

"Is that so! Well would you feel happy if Prongs said that he was gay, but told… your co-workers first!" Sirius retorted rather on the dry side yet inevitably ended lamely.

"Preposterous! Why is it that whenever it comes to Harry you don't mind running to the frontlines to tell him we're gay but now that it's Hermione you run scared? Do you not want anyone to know that we're together? Is that it? Harry's fine to tell just because he's family? YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN WITH ME!!" Remus had once again turned the tables on Sirius.

"Wha… I…never… no!!" Sirius began to blubber like he usually did when under pressure. "OF COURSE I WANT TO BE SEEN WITH YOU!!" _I swear, who needs a woman in a relationship when you have Remus? _

"Then walk into this house with me and tell her!" Remus presented the door in front of them. Which, unfortunately for them, was wide open with Hermione and Ron both peering back at them.

"Um… why wouldn't you want to be seen with Remus, Sirius?" Ron nervously tried to break the ice. "I mean you two are best mates." As both parties were still staring each other Ron decided a nice nervous laugh would make the picture just dandy.

"How about we continue this nice conversation inside, gents?" Hermione moved aside to allow the two men in.

Sirius and Remus were given time to share a look before stepping in. Once they were in stride with each other, Sirius just so happened to whisper over to Remus "How much do you think they overhead, mate?"

"Why not say it a bit louder, Sirius, because I know this just couldn't be THE most obvious time to whisper things over." That had quickly shut Sirius up and right behind the odd couple Ron gave Hermione a look that just seemed to scream 'is-he-bloody-nuts-or-what?'

As the group of four entered the living room, the silence really was unbearable. Both parties knew something was up, but neither one seemed to want to be the one to break the silence.

"Well…" Remus began rubbing his hands, as he didn't seem to have much to do with them. "_Cough_, you see… I'm afraid this rather hard to say… But me and Sirius… I mean, Sirius and I… well, we came…"

"Now look who's channeling Peter." Sirius muttered.

Sitting across from the two men, Ron was suddenly hit with a cough that sounded faintly like a good round of _guffaws _while a very subtle uplifting of the corners of Hermione's mouth was somewhat distinguishable. Seeing Remus so flustered was an oddity in and of its own.

Remus decided it was time to give Sirius a glare, because even Ron would be the first to admit that he'd heard Sirius. Half of China probably heard his mutterings. "Why don't you try then, Oh orb of omnipotent wisdom."

Of course being Sirius, he decided to make a show of it. Smoothing down his front, a good sniff and a nice cough into his fist. With his eyes closed and his head nodding as if making an argument in his head, he suddenly stopped. When he opened his eyes and opened his mouth, all 3 gazes were on him and everyone's bodies leaned towards him in earnest, just waiting for this proclamation.

_Sigh_ and that was it.

Ron and Hermione's eyes randomly magnetized towards each other in disbelief for a second before closing and looking down in shame. Remus just shook his head, thinking all the while. _Cracked under the pressure, and here I was always thinking that he had the hardest skull. _

What could anyone honestly expect out of Sirius?

"Well, you see, we came here today with a unique proposition for you two."

"A proposition?" Ron enquired.

"Yes, Ron, he said 'propostion'" Hermione's eyes were sharp and staring straight at Sirius.

"I was just repeating for clarification, Herms."

"Not now Ronald."

"No need to get your knickers in a twist." Ron muttered out of the corner of his mouth with a frown aimed at her.

Remus just continued to look at Sirius to see what his next move was. It's not very often that Sirius actually acted as his name implied.

"Now Ron… Hermione…" Liberal amounts of looks were shared equally between the two said persons. "Remus and I aren't exactly what we appear…"

"Uh… Sirius, are you feeling alright? We know, we know… you're a dog, he's a werewolf… Do you not remember our 3rd year? Bloody hell, lemme tell you, I sure can't forget. Scared the bejesus out of me." Ron said in a non-committal tone.

Eyes closed as if recalling that fateful night by the Whomping Willow, he suddenly opened them to see three sets of eyes settled on him.

Hermione's clearly stating: _What did I say about brainless interjections, Ronald?_

Remus': _Definitely the Sirius in the trio…_

Sirius's: _Wow… cough_

"Yes… well… beside those very important points… Uh… Let me rephrase my earlier sentiments… There's something about Remus and I that we've yet to divulge." He now looked imploringly at Remus, who nodded his eye's closed. _Definitely trying to hold back a headache, if I'm not mistaken. _

"Which would be…" Hermione's eyes couldn't have looked more discerning, even if she had tried.

"Personally, I think it's because you're both thinking a little too seriously about this…" Sirius faded away, unsure of how to continue. "It's something important to every man at this age."

"You've both found yourselves the woman of you're dreams, like Harry said!" Ron exclaimed with a wide grin. "You lucky dog."

"Not per se… but you're definitely getting warmer." Sirius playfully said. "Plus I don't really believe in marriage. It involves finding that one person you'd want to annoy for the rest of your life, and I've already got Remus." _Will he take the mickey?_

"Hm… is Remus thinking of traveling again? And you're possibly going to accompany him?"

_Completely flew right over his head…_"Oh, sorry mate. Tough luck. Chilly, very chilly, you're practically in Antarctica."

"Enough with the games you two! Sirius, just spill already!" Hermione interjected, agitated beyond belief with the two men. "And if you're not going to spill your oh so important news, why don't you Remus? You've barely said a thing all afternoon, and it seems like it pertains to the both of you."

All eyes were on the sandy haired man, now. _It's now or never, I guess…_ "We…

"Wait a tick, let me get this straight. Are you saying that…" Ron sputtered for a second. "ARE YOU TWO DYING!?"

"How in bloody hell did you get death out of all of that?" Hermione's voice rising just a tad with disbelief.

"Well, I know I'd die in Antarctica…" Ron pouted like a harried child.

"Wait, no! This feels wrong, I still think Harry should be the first to know!" Sirius' sudden outburst was sounding very idiotic at the moment especially after wasting an hour sitting and watching this game of conversation tennis.

"Oddly enough, mate, sounds like you're carrying his kid. Only time I know when a mate gets first dibbs on news." Ron said freely.

"Either that… or congratulations are in order for a… wedding, Sirius?" Hermione said with a smirk. "Curious, no?"

Both men, blanched a little under the scrutiny. Hermione Granger would've made a great auror, her bloody interrogation skills could've had deatheaters all over the world leaking their most intimate secrets. Hell she probably could've had them admitting to pissing in their nappies as babies with a demeanor like that.

"Hm… but maybe… It's more of a Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?" _Urgh, stupid thing to say Hermione… you're surrounded by purebloods! RON'S MOST DEFINITELY RUBBING ON YOU!!_

The query was met with silence. Remus and Sirius shared a look before settling down. Ron after staring at Hermione turned towards the two once again. For once he understood the revelations of today might be a tad bigger than just meeting a bird.

_Sigh_. Sirius leaned forward, his fingertips coming together while his elbows rested on his knees. "Herms, Ron, we came here tonight because… we have to tell you something that might change everything as we know it. So bear with us if it's just a little hard to tell you two."

Remus chuckled softly, "We'd had hoped Harry would've been the first. But seeing how close you three are and how perceptive our dear Hermione is…"

"No joke, I'm seriously thinking Harry needs to get his prescriptions checked." Sirius growled

"You see, this is a secret Sirius and I have been carrying for quite some time. It's been so long, I can't even remember when all the deceptions began to appear. Not to say it's anything bad, but we felt we'd be ruining something special by telling everyone." It seemed like both men were finishing the thoughts of the other in perfect synch, without either man realizing it.

"Suffice to say, when you're young and in l… well when you're young and you have such an amazing secret, you just don't feel like sharing it with anyone. But now, as time has passed, it feels almost as if we can't wait to share what we've found with everyone. We're also very bloody tired with all the hiding. We're just tired…"

"We're tired… and well, there's no other way to say this, so I'll just say it as bluntly as I'd imagine Sirius to say it. We're gay."

"Oh is that all? Well I'm feeling rather gay and dandy too. It's probably all of this foul weather causing me to find more meaningful and intimate things to do…" Ron's oblivious-ness truly is something to remark upon.

"I guess, to put it quite frankly you were right again, Hermione. That is with all of your suspicions and wonderings." Remus smiled at her as he clapped a hand on Sirius' shoulder, causing the other man to smile back at him.

Hermione couldn't help but blush under the praise and smiled at the sightly pair. That is before thwacking Ron on the back of his head.

"NO RONALD WEASLY! How thick can you be!?" Hermione reprimanded him. "They're not gay in the happy sense! They're literally GAY! If I'm not mistaken, I do believe you were warm when you said they had found someone. You were just off in assuming their significant others weren't… well, weren't each other."

"Wait, are you saying that their…" Ron leaned into her ear, "that their pitching for the other team, 'Mione?"

"Yes, Ron, I do believe Sirius and Remus are homosexuals, as in GAY." Hermione had pulled away to look him in the eye. "I mean honestly, lets be frank about it. It's not like it's Voldemort's name, or invoking some similar devil spawn."

Sirius and Remus shared another smile, thinking all the while that this wasn't so bad. It was a hell of a lot better than what they'd imagined.

"But why are they telling us? Shouldn't Harry be the first to know?" Ron looked thoroughly confused. What was new about that?

"AARGHH…!! Didn't I say that we should've told Harry first! Didn't I!" Sirius was now standing up and beseeching Remus. "Harry would've been the first to know if Hermione didn't have to be all over the bloody place! Who are you, Houdini?! I've never been able to haunt Hogwarts that well and I'll tell ya, I've had to play decoy all over that castle!"

Remus decided to start the ball rolling this time around. Sirius had done an exceptional job… it was rather cute cough "Well, that's the whole reason we're both here, pardon Sirius' outburst. As we said earlier, you three are very close and apart from stopping Hermione from further interference, Harry would know by now."

Hermione had the decency to blush at the refererence to her earlier actions.

"We'd like to ask for your help with this smidgeon of a problem we've come across."

--

"Personally, Hermione, I don't think we should interfere." Ron said with the utmost importance.

"And why ever should we not, Ronald Weasley?" Hermione turned imperiously upon him. Her arms crossed underneath her breasts and her chin looking already stubbornly set.

"Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup." was all the response Hermione got out of him. She even paused for good measure, to see if an explanation would come along with the ridiculous response.

"Erm… Ron?" Hermione's face looked blankly back at him.

"What!? You're always stating all of these odd quotes from those smart and dead wizards you've heard or read about; so I decided I'd use one too." Ron said in his defense.

"I hardly think Hagrid is the person to quote on moral issues, seeing as he raised that dragon "illegally" Ron."

"I'll have you know…" Ron paused for effect, "it was my brother Charlie, not Hagrid that gave me that specific quote." _At least I think it was Charlie. _"I'll also have you know, that he's becoming very distinguished with all his work with dragons in Romania."

"Of course, Ron." The condescension in her voice lost on him.

"That's right, 'Mione."

"Beside the point, Ronald. Now _I'll_ have _you_ know, that we are most definitely going to help our FAMILY out with this problem. I don't want to hear it Ronald. I mean, think logically: are you really not going to go along with this, what with everyone else in on the game? Let's just skip your little moaning and whining and help them out already!" With that said, Hermione flounced out of the room like the prim and proper know-it-all that Ron has known for quite some time.

"Nutters, women are bloody nutters!" Ron muttered, "I'm starting to think that Sirius and Remus had the right of it all along."

--

Harry Potter was just having one of those days.

It had been an undeniably long and arduous week, teaching about 300 first years the tricks of flying a broom was no easy task. No matter how much a bloke loved to fly, it was hard work abating those fears of flying muggleborns had, or wiping the smirks off of any overzealous pureblood with the overconfidence that made Draco Malfoy seem like a meek human being.

And try multiplying that by loads more, seeing as just about every little witch in the classes seemed to be asking if he was going steady with any girl. FIRST YEARS FOR CIRCE'S SAKE!!

Then there was the wonderful added bonus of first Hermione, and then Ron bumping into him everywhere, and not to mention Sirius and Remus popping up everywhere else. If he weren't insane, he'd be almost positive that they were doing this on purpose, but for what?

Of course, that wasn't all he had had to deal with this week. It seemed like something was in the air. He couldn't place his finger on it, but like any man who had been trained as an auror, he could just TELL that everyone around him was hiding something.

Times like these almost made him wish Voldemort was back, the bloke at least had the decency to straight up and say he wanted to kill him… Not that he wanted him to come back or anything. It just seemed like things were a little easier with one bad guy and everyone else pegged against him.

* * *

**Day 7: A Case in Point - The Facts as We See It!**

_More bloody notes. _Ron would never understand Hermione's penchant for so many notes, I mean they already finished bloody schooling. What exactly was the need for it now?

"Okay Sirius, this should be a walk in the park for you, just give me a detailed recount of events occurring on this day." Hermione's clipped tones were like a matching accessory to her business like demeanor. Her eyes never straying from her notes as she scribbled away.

"This feels kind of weird." Sirius whined out.

"Oh bother." Hermione took off her reading glasses –years of reading small printed texts for hours, often in the nights, definitely took its toll- set aside her parchment and quill to whip her wand out almost seemingly out of thin air.

With the flick and swish of her wand and a few well memorized incantations, suddenly Sirius was lying on his back on a lounge chair directly across from Hermione, Ron had a plate of biscuits that magically refilled to wile away the minutes, and Remus sat opposite the now happy lad with a cup of his favorite earl gray tea as well as the day's _Daily Prophet_. A very bright witch indeed…

"Uh… This is nice?" Sirius was definitely feeling a bit unnerved with this turn of events. He was staring up into the ceiling, stiff as a board, hands clasped uncomfortably on his chest; wondering what form of torture was next.

"Sirius, seeing as you aren't going to take me seriously in our previous environment I've decided to change that for you. Now if you please just give me a recount of the root of this problem."

"Well… I guess if the reports are to be believed, it all started the day I was born, doc. Supposedly being gay is a proven biological…"

"Sirius, focus!" Irritation creeping into her voice, "I'm talking about the Harry problem!"

"YOU THINK BEING GAY IS THE PROBLEM!?" Remus' voice raged somewhere behind Hermione's head.

"Yes, so as I was saying, after our little run in, 'Mione…"

--

_Exhibit A: _

_Day 3…the rest of it_

There I was, standing all alone in that hallway. Watching my godson, the mission objective, walk away from me.

It was a very dark day for me…

"-SKIP! Personal opinions are unnecessary and often bias. It's best to do without them." Hermione's voice cut through his musings like a vice.

_Cough cough. _Now where was I?

"Well seeing as I can't continue on with a scene by scene replay of what I like to call _A Day in the Life of Sirius Black_…"

"-SIRIUS!"

* * *

_(What happened!)_

After a few minutes for a much needed reprieve-his heart really couldn't handle all the drama- Sirius had decided to lie in waiting. He used this time to revisit old haunts, set off a few dungbombs on a few unsuspecting ghouls, and then it was show time.

Unfortunately it also happened to coincide with dinner at Hogwarts, probably one of Sirius' favorite mealtimes of the day though in reality what meal didn't he like?

Heading towards the Great Hall, he was suddenly flagged by his godson, for the first time that day. It was like angels on high sending him his godson to reaffirm Sirius of his endeavors.

"Sirius!" A breathless Harry Potter finally made his way through the sea of hungry students to his godfather. "Finally, I get to spend some time with you today; it feels like I've been pulled every which way all day today. Why do you have that euphoric look on your face? Sirius, this is a public place with children here about, you shouldn't be having a knick of that firewhiskey in front of them!"

"I-I-I don't know what you're talking about! Can't a man being happy to see his godson? My whiskey face has a little more singing and spouting going on, I'll have you know. That and McGonagall would've had my head on a platter for dinner before I'd gotten through the day."

"You're right; all of Hogwarts would've heard your banshee screaming by now if you were drunk. Still, I feel horrible; you've come to visit, and I haven't had time to just chat with you, old man."

"Old man! I'll have you know I'm still in my prime. Just today alone, seven females have given me the eye." Sirius rebutted indignantly, as per usual.

Harry had to grin, "I've heard actually; right through the grapevine-- or should I say the portrait lines. You do know a good majority of those 'females' date back to the 1800's?"

"You wound me! At least little icky first years don't want to date me." Sirius' sugarcoated tones knew where to hit, and they hit low.

"That was cold and underhanded, Black." Harry had stopped to mock glare at Sirius.

"And what are you going to do about it, Potter?" He blew a well timed raspberry to add salt to the wound as they continued.

"Well, of course I'm going to—"

Sirius had to turn around and see what would stop his godson dead on his tracks. Though Sirius had barely been around for Harry's childhood, and his adulthood seemed even busier than ever before, still Sirius liked to think that he knew him a little better than that. What really struck Sirius about the facial expression on Harry's face was that it was what he'd been dreading ever since they decided to let him in on the secret. Disgust; pure and utter disgust for what he didn't know, but in Sirius' mind it was what he imagined seeing on his favorite person's face when they let him know.

"Can you believe the audacity of some people? Look at them! All over each other like that!"

Cough, cough. "Uh… who, Harry?" Sirius had to snap himself out of it for a few seconds and then began to scan the crowds. Finally Harry made gestures into the general vicinity of two Slytherin boys hidden in an alcove.

"Bloody berks, it's the most disgusting thing I've seen in my life. They do it everywhere and anywhere! It's like watching a pair of little boys have at it with each other. People like them should be locked up somewhere."

"Oh… yeah, Harry." Was all Sirius could muster. Even throughout dinner, the rant just continued on and on. Sirius' mind was on overdrive, it was trying to wrap around the fact that soon he and Remus would be the topic of conversation and he gathered not a happy one at that.

* * *

"So there I was, doc; to any other person it might've been just a random conversation, but to me it was the moment I knew Harry was homophobic." Sirius' ending statement finished with a wail.

"Now, now, Sirius. No need for tears!" Hermione was handing the sobbing Sirius some tissues. "Let's not jump to conclusions, maybe… maybe… it's time for Remus' two pence in."

"What?! You're just throwing me to the curb? What kind of an institution is this!"

"Sirius, this role playing thing was just for your benefit. If you need conclusions, I can tell you this much… You definitely need a shrink."

"Like anyone needed telling for that." Ron muttered over to Remus who snickered.

"Well, I never!" Sirius got up and decided to steal one of Ron's biscuits, much to the latter's dismay.

"Oy! Those are mine!" Ron cried out with agony.

"While they settle that incredibly important matter, would you like to come up to the plate, Remus?" Hermione's nonchalant tone seemed to display her years of expertise at ignoring petty qualms.

"It would be my pleasure, my dear." Remus took a few moments to recollect his thoughts. "As you all know, I always take it upon myself to right the mistakes of Sirius. So I had to go in and do some damage control for what Sirius had done the previous day."

"Damaged control! I didn't even do anything!" Cried Sirius. The outburst bought enough time for Ron to break away with his biscuits.

"My powers of deduction are amazing… I bet you ran across the Great Hall like a lunatic while Harry was mid-sentence… therefore I do believe I had some damage to fix. That and Harry called me that very evening wondering about your sanity."

Just as Sirius was about to give another rebuttal it was momentarily delayed by Remus' ,"His words, not mine!"

"My sanity is fine, I tell you." Sirius was put out and pouting on the couch.

"As I was saying… I had set up a meeting with Harry at the Three Broomsticks, the following day…"

* * *

_Exhibit B: _

_Day 4_

Walking around Hogwart's very own Hogsmeade brought back a bevy of memories. Remus, somewhat nostalgic, decided it was time to get down to busy. Busy catching up with all of his old friends!

What was one bottle of butterbeer with old friends anyway?

--

_Ron – Wasn't it more like 20 bottles of butterbeer? _

_Sirius – REMUS! What kind of an example are you setting for these young folk! A drunk!! I'm disgusted! What about our godson!? What will he think of us, if he knew of your secret!! _

_Hermione – I am rather surprised at your ability to hold your alcohol. I'd have thought Sirius would've been the drunk in the family. _

_Sirius – As if! I could totally down 21 bottles of butterbeer!! However many you can down, Remus, I can top it! _

_Hermione – Totally missed the rub but anywho… I'm sorry to imply you couldn't handle your liquor Sirius, I'm sure it's better than Remus'._

_Sirius – Too right, it is! I can't even remember my 6th year of Hogwarts 'coz I was so drunk! _

_Remus – More so because McGonagall used to slap him around too much… _

_--_

Cough, cough… Yes, just a little alcoholic beverages to make the company twice as comfortable…

--

_Sirius – And what company was that, Remus? YOU WERE CAHORTING WITH ROSMERTA, WEREN'T YOU?! _

_Remus – I was not!! Just mere friends catching up on old times! The woman's at least 20 years OUR senior, Sirius! That's just icky! _

_Sirius – Icky!? You used to say I was your icky!!_

_Sirius sobs and runs away… _

_"Hem… Hem…"_

_Ron – Wow, Herms! Your Unbridge impression is pretty amazing! _

_Hermione throws a random owl at Ron! _

_Hermione – Back to the bloody story!_

_--_

After catching up on meaningless conversation with a woman old enough to be even Remus' grandmother, Remus was rather drunk. So drunk, Remus just happen to have taken a nap underneath one of the back booth's of the establishment.

It was a little while later that he suddenly heard the blaring sounds of his godson's voice coming from the heavens… er scratch that, it was just the booth next to the one he happened to be inhabiting the bottom of.

Like any good marauder on an investigation, of course Remus had to stay under the table and eavesdrop. No point in lying at this point. What Remus heard was remarkable to say the least.

"Collin, I know you're going through trouble but I don't think you should just give in!" Harry seemed to be consoling none other than Collin Creevy

_Didn't know they were that close… _Remus thought as he laid there.

"Harry, you just don't understand! I've no idea what to do! Here I am, one of the best photographers for the _Daily Prophet,_ and I haven't even gone on a date with any men yet…"

_COLLIN WAS GAY!?_ The revelation brought the tiniest glimmer of hope for Remus! Here was Harry interacting with a gay man!!

"Okay, okay. Why don't we just think this out logically?" Both men seemed to pondering some problem, "Look, I've got women's numbers coming out of my ears practically; now why don't you just take a few of them?"

_What in bloody hell is Harry doing?! A gay man doesn't need women's numbers! _

"Eh… I don't know, Harry, this just doesn't feel right." _That's right, Collin!_

"Are you trying to tell me that you really like men!? C'mon, Collin, I think this is a viable solution. No one will be the wiser!" Harry seemed to be really pushing these females upon poor, gay Collin…

* * *

"Suffice to say, I was flabbergasted! I couldn't believe what Harry was trying to do." Remus was lying on the chaise utterly sad.

"We feel you, Remmy-poo, we feel you!" Sirius was sobbing with a handkerchief in hand, with Ron at his side offering comforting pats to his shoulder.

"Of course after that, I fell back asleep and that was the end of it for me." Remus said as he sat up, facing the opposite way from the gang. Rubbing at his eyes in an offhand matter.

"What in Merlin's beard is going on!? Trying to change a gay man like that! He hasn't even had the chance to come out of the closet!" Sirius cried out.

"Now, now Sirius! There's some hope. I mean, its not like he completely shunned the man. He was at least talking to him!" Ron was at his odd form of consolation, the one that usually didn't offer any in the least. "No worries, mates! My story wasn't in the least bit a hate story on gay men! I think it'll brighten your day. It's at least a little bit funny in my opinion- "

"—None of us asked for opinions, Ron! Just sit on the chaise and begin please? I'd like to get started on dinner sometime soon!" Hermione was a bit frazzled at everyone's emotional distress.

"FOOD?" Sirius sudden change in state was most obviously due to one of several key words that elicit happiness in any man's heart.

"Later, Siri-poo, we must finish with our investigations now unless you'd like to be the 80-year-old-gay-man-who-never-got-out-of-the-closet." Hermione was finally settled to listen to the last of the personal recaps meant to look into the inner psych of Harry Potter.

* * *

_Exhibit C: _

_Day 6_

_Of course it was my brilliant idea to ransack Harry's room for any clues. Isn't it obvious that to really get to know a bloke, you have to dig deep into the piles of his room? Not to mention the dangers and sheer ingenuity it took me to get into his flat…_

_(Sirius- "Wasn't it Hermione's idea, Remmy-poo?"_

_Remus- "Don't you two also share a flat, as in you both have keys to the same house?" _

_Hermione – "lets not also forget that Harry has a pretty obvious schedule… what with being a teacher during the day…"_

_Sirius- "I'm at least smart enough to only brag when no one else is in on the ploy!"_

_Remus – "That's right Sirius, good boy." Pets Sirius on the head.)_

_Cough Cough besides the point! Why won't you people just leave me alone! This is MY story! Now where was I? _

_--_

To maximize the impossibility of Harry walking in on the mission, none other than the amazingly gorgeous and stealth-like Hermione Jane Granger was playing decoy by keeping Harry busy that fine morning.

_(Sirius – "Hypocrite! Biased opinions, if I'm not mistaken." _

_Remus – "Never seen this side of Hermione." _

_Hermione – Cough, cough. "Well I think I deserve the right to take some pleasure seeing as no one else is keeping track of everthing._

_Ron mutters – "Must be great being the author…" _

_Hermione - "What was that Ronald?"_

_Ron – "Nothing, oh-fair-and-beautiful Hermione" _

_Sirius and Remus snicker_

_Hermione – "This particular part isn't even that important! I don't see why you all are making such a big deal…" _

_Random rounds of 'yeah, yeah…' and 'whatever's' were met all around from the male half of the room.)_

Anyway…

While Hermione was running as decoy, Ron and the boys decided to enter into enemy territory to dig up anything good. They, of course, were the epitome of propriety in this little escapade.

"I wonder where he keeps his naughty magazines…" Sirius began his search in the usual spots; under the bed.

"Sirius! I highly doubt he'd have anything like that… and even if he did, I'd guess the underwear drawer."

"Hm… it's been awhile since we've shared a room but I must say I'm totally disappointed in the man." Ron was puzzled by his surroundings. "WHY THE BLOODY HELL IS IT ALL ORGANIZED!?"

Sirius took a step back to really take in his surroundings… "Sweet Merlin, he's right! It is all organized!! Where do I begin!? Maybe Harry's onto us!! It's all part of his plan, as men we'll never be able to figure out where anything is…"

"You two dunderheads, just because a man likes to keep things in an orderly fashion does not meet the criteria of a dastardly plan. Now get going, we've no idea how long Hermione can keep Harry out of the flat today."

"I need to take the boy to a few pubs, just to make sure he's really a man. This Saturday?" Sirius was whispering plans to Ron, who was nodding in agreement.

3 hours later…

"Wow, not a single dirty magazine… or dirty tape… nothing…" Sirius was dumbfounded and lying across Harry's bed flipping through some books. "Maybe Harry's gay!"

"That's right! He's almost like a Remus." Ron was really running with this idea. "I've been living under the same roof as a gay man!"

Still continuing on with his search, Remus eyed a little box atop one of his shelves. While trying to reach for it a cascade of papers and tidbits rained down upon him. "Bof- oh great, now to clean this all back up!"

"Ronald! Okay, I can't keep Harry all day and I've run out of excuses. He's on his way home!" Hermione's voice was coming out of Ron's pocket through the two way mirror.

"Crap! Red alert! The Big Bird is flying home!!" Ron started aiming cleaning charms left and right.

As things were flying every which way, what with three crazy men with little cleaning experience using charms they've rarely used in their lives, things were getting messier than ever before.

Suddenly, Harry's door flung open, with Harry calling back "Ron? Are you home mate?"

"Uh… I can explain." Was all Ron could say as Harry's emerald eyes transfixed upon the sight in front of him. Three of his best mates standing at the center of his room, with papers and objects all around their feet and even some feathers and underwear hanging from his lights.

Harry just stood there with his blank auror expression, "And what explanation would that be?"

Simultanenously Ron and Sirius began blubbering worst than Peter ever did.

"Well you see, we flooed into the wrong room—" Sirius began

"—I ran in ready to attack." Ron's hands began an animated explanation.

"I slipped and grabbed your bedding."

"A hypogryph flew in through the window!!"

"—Had to throw the desk up as a barricade!"

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP WITH THE LIES!" Remus couldn't believe how obvious the two could be.

"Well good job Remus, now Harry knows we're lying." Sirius played the cool façade again, arms crossed and nodding at the other man's lack of control.

"Yeah, we were doing fine until you jumped in. Nerve of this bloke, calls himself a Marauder. Rule number one is never to back out of the lie." Ron was appalled at Remus.

"Of course, of course. Must not have taught Remus as well… he really was getting old in his age. What a shame, what a shame." Sirius said with the utmost seriousness.

Out of nowhere, Harry couldn't keep it up any longer and started to laugh heartily at the comic reality the men brought. Causing all three to stare at the mission objective and back at each other and laugh.

"Now, can one of you three just tell me what happened?" Harry finally got out.

"Err…" Sirius and Remus were both at a lost for words.

"Hedwig did it." Ron stared resolutely back at Harry, while pointing to the one corner seemingly untouched where Hedwig indignantly hooted back.

"Hedwig did it?" Harry paused in disbelief, "You know what, I really don't want to know. But can you three horrible liars just help me put my room back into place?"

"Of course!"

"Yeah Harry"

Somewhere along the line, though, Ron was beginning to put odd bits of papers and trinkets back onto the shelf.

"Oh yeah, I think those fell on me earlier, Ron. I believe its that box half turned at the top." Remus yelled over his shoulder.

Looking at the last item left in the box was a single card. Much like a business card it read: "Y.A.G" A group for the single man helping to fight against the other men of this world!

"What do you have there Ronnie-kins? IS THAT AN ANTI GAY CARD!" Sirius' flabbergasted face proved too much for Remus as he chose to throw a pillow into his face.

"What was that, Sirius?" Harry turned around from shelving some prized possessions.

"Uh… I was just wondering how in the world can you not have any dirty magazines in this entire room! Heh heh…" Sirius' nervous chuckle wasn't lost on Ron and Remus, as they both winced.

"Oh, that's simple, I keep it in the closet. Top shelf on the right." Harry turned back to his work.

"The closet! Ingenious…" Sirius' face was bright with the revelation his godson wasn't hiding his gayness and rather smart about where to hide his naughty things.

Ron stealthily slipped the little card back into his pocket for later use…

* * *

"Are you almost done, Herms?" Ron was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet as he tried to look over Hermione's shoulder.

"Yeah, so what's the verdict?" Sirius said around a mouth full of biscuits, he'd finally succeeded in getting during Ron's turn.

"I have a bad feeling about this, it shouldn't take the brightest witch to figure this out." Remus said.

Hermione continued to scribble away, completely oblivious of the men's inquiries. Staring down on the final piece of paper, which she'd written in her own handwriting, Hermione seemed to turn to stone.

_Conclusion_:

Harry is most definitely a homophobe.

"Well this just can't be right." Hermione looked up from her papers, her glasses falling dangerously low on her nose. "I mean, how could the savior of all wizarding kind be homophobic?"

"Where did we go wrong, Remmy-poo?" Sirius pawed at Remus' sleeve.

All three men were now sitting up, side by side on the lounge chair. All of them were wearing matching glum looks.

"Well it makes sense to me. Wouldn't want people to know, otherwise it'd be bad publicity." Ron nodded to himself amidst cricket chirping.

"Well, that makes me feel just dandy." Sirius sighed. "Hey, I have an idea! Let's run away to… anywhere! And just give up!"

"We can't just give up! I'd like Harry to be there on our wedding day, if that's even possible."

"Remus… are you… popping the question?" Sirius' eyes took on a watery effect as he stared imploringly at Remus.

"Sirius, if we can't tell Harry, I doubt that day will come anytime soon."

"Way to bring a man down." Sirius muttered. "I didn't even want to get married to you anyways."

Eventually, the conversation winded down, each person too caught up in their own thoughts.

--

Suddenly, a singular ring seemed to resonate through all four of their thoughts. The doorbell…

It was only unfortunate for Ron, as his neck had snapped so quickly towards the origin of the sound that even Sirius patted him on the knee in odd condolence, as it was usually him going through such nuisances.

"Hermione? You there?"

Hermione may have been the smartest witch of her generation, but she had made one slight miscalculation in all of this top-secret business.

Sunday nights were strictly the trio's weekly get together for dinner and catch up talks; and boy was Harry going to be getting one hell of a dinner.

* * *

_Ending Note: Sorry that took so bloody long. Almost 4 years, too long, I suppose .And I truly do hope that you all liked it. It was a nice long one… thankfully, because the next one might be rather short. _

_Special Thanks to: _

_Goddess of Idun_

_Georgie's Girl _

_Monai_

_HappyDappyDuck_

_Forever-Phoenix  
(BEST BETA EVER!! THANKS FOR SUFFERING THROUGH IT FOR ME!)_

_If any of you 5 should read this, which I hope you do, you're reviews really made my day D and were the only reason why I didn't want to give up._ _YOU GUYS ROCK MY SOCKS OFF!!_

_Up Next: the Final installment! Dun dun dun… Will they tell Harry? Or will they fail miserably and have to run to the mountains and live a life of gayness in hidng?! More importantly will Sirius get his long missed bed night kiss?!_


	3. The Telling of the Secrets

**Warnings: slash, MPREG, insinuated baby-making activities, random stupidity... and of course, the killer, this is my first yaoi/slash and just about any fic (on my own)...so it definitely sucks beyond belief, but I'm trying...**

**Summary: Sirius and Remus think it's about time they tell Harry about their secret relationship as well as a few other secrets. But just like all things in life... some things are easier said than done...**

**Genre: Romance/Humor**

**Disclaimer: Don't own HP or its' characters, just the plot.**

**A/N: Consider this an alternate reality where Sirius _didn't_ die. It's also a bit AU because I don't think that Harry's parents...erm...you'll find out. This fic is also takes place after Voldemort's death. I apologize if anyone is insulted by the contents of this fic and hope that you all read the warnings. FLAMES ARE DEFINITYLY ACCEPTED.**

SECRET TELLINGS

* * *

Suddenly, a singular ring seemed to cut through all four of their thoughts. The doorbell…

It was only unfortunate for Ron, as his neck had snapped so quickly towards the origin of the sound that even Sirius patted him on the knee in an odd show of condolence, as it was usually him going through such nuisances.

"Hermione? You there?"

Hermione may have been the smartest witch of her generation, but she had made one slight miscalculation in all of this top-secret business.

Sunday nights were strictly the trio's weekly get together for dinner and catch up talks, and boy was Harry going to be getting one hell of a serving.

"I'm not homophobic…"

"WHA!" was what collectively rang around the table they were all currently sitting at.

Harry hastily wiped his mouth with a napkin, as his latest bit of pork chop was about to come up the wrong end due to his surprise.

"Blimey, why would any of you think I'm homophobic?"

It seemed like everyone around the boy-who-is-clearly-oblivious had to take a few moments to stare at the person to their right and then their left and then the only other person who wasn't Harry at the table. It truly was quite a comical sight to behold.

"Well…" Remus hedged out.

Sirius just plain avoided all eye contact at this point.

"Ahem… If I may be so gentlemanly about it…" Ron spoke in what was probably his most posh voice, "Ladies first."

His comment and hand gesture to Hermione earned him a deatheater-worthy glare. This was just to buy time-no one really wanted to breach the topic at hand-but this was all to no avail.

"You see, Harry…" Hermione was a bit flummoxed at this point. "Well…. We've kind of noticed…"

"What she's trying to say, Harry, is that…" Remus tried to salvage some of the situation but the words just seemed to die out.

Thankfully, Harry wasn't quite a forceful person, happy to chew on some more of his pork chop and try to figure out what the bloody hell was going on.

Sirius and Ron just stared each other, hoping to Merlin that the other would blink first. They ended up blinking at the same time.

"We think you're homophobic." Sirius said in quite possibly his most serious voice, while Ron sat beside him nodded along with the older man.

"You see, the way we sees it 'Arry… Well, we're clearly not good at explaining it right out like this, but just hear us out."

_Exhibit A: How they thought it went down…_

_Date: Day 3_

_Sirius had to turn around and see what would stop his godson dead in his tracks. Though Sirius had barely been around for Harry's childhood, and his adulthood seemed even busier than ever before, still Sirius liked to think that he knew him a little better than that. What really struck Sirius about the facial expression on Harry's face was that it was what he'd been dreading ever since they decided to let him in on the secret. Disgust; pure and utter disgust. For what he didn't know, but in Sirius' mind, it was what he had imagined seeing on his favorite person's face when they let him know._

_"Can you believe the audacity of some people? Look at them! All over each other like that!"_

_Cough, cough. "Uh… who, Harry?" Sirius had to snap himself out of it for a few seconds and then began to scan the crowds. Finally Harry made gestures into the general vicinity of two Slytherin boys hidden in an alcove._

_"Bloody berks—It's the most disgusting thing I've seen in my life. They do it everywhere and anywhere! It's like watching a pair of little boys have at it with each other. People like them should be locked up somewhere."_

_"Oh… yeah, Harry." Was all Sirius could muster. Even throughout dinner, the rant just continued on and on. Sirius' mind was on overdrive, it was trying to wrap around the fact that soon he and Remus would be the topic of conversation and he gathered not a happy one at that._

* * *

"So what do you have to say to say for yourself now! Those poor chaps were just trying to enjoy a good alcove and there you were just having a go at them!" Sirius furiously bellowed. It was amazing his finger was still attached, with how fast it was shaking at him.

"Hey, I thought this was my story!" Ron pouted. "What he said, Harry! Boys dating boys have a right to dark alcoves!"

Harry's eyebrows pinched together in thought. "I won't disagree with that, but what if they aren't two boys?"

* * *

_Exhibit A: What really went down…_

Harry had been feeling really bad about earlier that day. Sirius had seemed like he really had something important to say. Not just today-he could tell that he'd had something on his mind for a while but was patiently waiting it out. He trusted his godfather explicitly and hoped that by talking it out he'd help reduce the stress that was so apparent on his face.

Luck seemed to be on his side, as the object of his thoughts merged with the crowd heading towards the Great Hall.

"Sirius!" he breathlessly called out. Eventually he managed to make his way through the sea of hungry students to his godfather. "Finally, I get to spend some time with you today; it feels like I've been pulled every which way all day today. Why do you have that euphoric look on your face? Sirius, this is a public place with children here about, you shouldn't be having a knick of that firewhiskey in front of them!" Harry joked.

"I-I-I don't know what you're talking about! Can't a man being happy to see his godson? My whiskey face has a little more singing and spouting going on, I'll have you know. That and McGonagall would've had my head on a platter for dinner before I'd gotten through the day." He joked back.

"You're right; all of Hogwarts would've heard your banshee screaming by now if you were drunk. Still, I feel horrible; you've come to visit, and I haven't had time to just chat with you, old man." If ever there was a vain dog, Sirius was it. He derived great pleasure in pulling his leg.

"Old man? I'll have you know I'm still in my prime. Just today alone, seven females have given me the eye."

Harry had to grin. "I've heard, actually, right through the grapevine-or should I say the portrait lines. You do know a good majority of those 'females' date back to the 1800's?"

"You wound me! At least little icky first years don't want to date me." Harry knew that sugarcoated tongue well.

"That was cold and underhanded, Black." Harry had stopped to mock glare at Sirius.

"And what are you going to do about it, Potter?" He blew a well timed raspberry to add salt to the wound as they continued.

"Well, of course I'm going to—" Harry's perceptive eyes keyed in on the two figures in the alcove.

Harry liked to pride himself on being a fair and just professor. He wasn't as harsh as, say, Mr. Filch, but he did try to uphold the rules of Hogwarts. The two students in questions were already on his radar for hassling some first years and he wanted nothing more than to give them a piece of his mind. If only he were as evil as Snape was towards other houses, then something like that would be expected from him. Nope, all Harry could do was glare and comment on the fact that Miss Bulstrode and Mr. Crabbe were—.

* * *

"MISS!" Sirius' eyes couldn't bug out of their sockets anymore than if he were an insect himself. "Remus, did he just say 'miss! As in a female who is unattached!"

"I really do hate that distinction for women… you wouldn't hear anyone exclaiming if that male were a bachelor or not." Hermione huffed.

"Not exactly the appropriate time, 'Mione." Ron tried to assuage the irate female.

Hermione quickly turned towards him, "Not appropr—!"

"Wait, so you weren't disgusted by the fact that it was two boys?" Remus' eyes were boring into Harry's calm one. "Not that they were boys… I mean, you didn't just hate them because it was two males snogging!"

"As I was trying to say, I was just upset I didn't have anything on those two." Harry's face was still puzzled. "So let me get this straight… Sirius couldn't tell that Miss Bulstrode was in the mix?"

The other three set of eyes rounded back to the man in question.

"What! It was dark… and she was at least as tall as I was. The other fellow was abnormally tall."

"Uh, Sirius, the abnormally tall one is actually the Bulstrode girl." Hermione gently corrected him. "Despite Mr. Crabbe being a year ahead of her… they're quite a prolific pair at Hogwarts. Most people know them on spot; it was easy an mistake to make."

The look of horror on Sirius' face was so comical that Ron had a hard time holding in his guffaws.

"So that was just a misunderstanding." Remus was going to get to the bottom of this tonight, sleep be damned. "Despite all of this, it still doesn't explain exhibit B!"

_Exhibit B: How they thought it occurred… _

_Date: Day 4 _

_Like any good marauder on an investigation, of course Remus had to stay under the table and eavesdrop. No point in lying at this point. What Remus heard was remarkable to say the least._

_"Colin, I know you're going through trouble, but I don't think you should just give in!" Harry seemed to be consoling none other than Colin Creevy_

_Didn't know they were that close… Remus thought as he lay there._

_"Harry, you just don't understand! I've no idea what to do! Here I am, one of the best photographers for the Daily Prophet, and I haven't even gone on a date with any men yet…"_

_COLIN WAS GAY! The revelation brought the tiniest glimmer of hope for Remus! Here was Harry interacting with a gay man!_

_"Okay, okay. Why don't we just think this out logically?" Both men seemed to be pondering some problem. "Look, I've got women's numbers coming out of my ears practically; why don't you just take a few of them?"_

_What in bloody hell is Harry doing? A gay man doesn't need women's numbers!_

_"Eh… I don't know, Harry, this just doesn't feel right." That's right, Colin!_

_"Are you trying to tell me that you really like men? C'mon, Colin, I think this is a viable solution. No one will be the wiser!" Harry seemed to be really pushing these females upon poor, gay Colin…_

* * *

"Now, don't tell me that doesn't look like a man trying to change the way of the gays!" Ron exclaimed.

"It does seem like pretty damning evidence, Harry. You must admit it," Hermione solemnly said.

"I thought we raised you better than this, Harry. To accept all other beings, unless they're deatheaters… or Voldemort… or detention…"

"Please refrain from continuing that list, Sirius; I'd like to be done with this before dessert." Remus grunted out.

"I thought the greatest thing you ever taught me was to help those in need… and to throw a good dungbomb." Harry grinned back.

"If that was a joke, it kind of stunk." Ron muttered.

"Explain please." Hermione pertly said, pointedly ignoring them. She really was a scholar at heart.

* * *

_Exhibit B: How it really occurred… _

_First Sirius, then Hermione, and now Remus. Harry was almost positive something was in the air making everyone a little crazy. He knew it wasn't a full moon, otherwise there'd be a bear of a werewolf and that's just not an easy thing to overlook. Maybe it was the water? Thankfully, he was going to be having a butterbeer today. _

_While waiting patiently for Remus to arrive, Harry just happened to stumble upon his old chum Colin Creevy. _

"'_Lo, Harry! Long time no see." Colin tipped his firewhisky in Harry's direction. _

"_Fine day today; isn't it a bit early to be hitting the harder drinks?" Harry chuckled out. _

"_I wish that were the only thing I were ever accused of 'hitting' up. It's just a miserable predicament I'm in Harry. A man like you would never understand." Colin took a particularly long swig of his ale. _

"_Of course I can't understand—you haven't told me. Cryptic messages and I have never gone on well, just ask Trelawney." Harry smiled. "Why don't you give me a go." _

_Colin apprehensively looked around. Too many people in a small area meant too many prying ears so he leaned over and whispered his problems to the other man. By the end of the small exchange, both men stared down at their mugs until Harry gently patted the other man on the back. _

_"Colin, I know you're going through trouble, but I don't think you should just give in!" Harry consoled the other man. _

_"Harry, you just don't understand! I've no idea what to do! Here I am, one of the best photographers for the Daily Prophet, and I haven't even gone on a date with any men yet everyone thinks I have!"_

_"Okay, okay. Why don't we just think this out logically?" Both men pondered a bit over Colin's problem, "Look, I've got women's numbers coming out of my ears practically; now why don't you just take a few of them?"_

_"Eh… I don't know, Harry, this just doesn't feel right." _

_"Are you trying to tell me that you really like men? C'mon, Colin, I think this is a viable solution. No one will be the wiser! You just need to be seen out and about with a few females to disperse those petty rumors—"_

* * *

"WAIT! COLLIN'S NOT GAY!" Hermione and Ron both shouted simultaneously.

"Well I didn't see that one coming." Remus looked a bit dazed at the news and took to sitting back into his chair with a palm to his cheek in disbelief.

"I usually don't feel good about letting other people's secrets out of the bag, but Collin assured me that getting the word out wouldn't hurt at this point." Harry just smiled at the memory.

"HA, how does it feel now, to not be in the loop!" Sirius triumphantly sang, egging on a scowling Ron.

"Like you even knew!" Ron petulantly bit back.

"How could we have not known something like that! We've known Collin for so long…" Hermione was absentmindedly trying to pinpoint this erroneous moment's origin.

Ron wound his way around the preoccupied girl to conspiratorially talk with the other two men, "Should we even bother with exhibit C at this point."

After much deliberation, they thought they might as well get it all out in the open.

_Exhibit C: Who knows how it happened at this point…_

_Date: Day 6_

_Somewhere along the line, though, Ron was beginning to put odd bits of papers and trinkets back onto the shelf._

_"Oh yeah, I think those fell on me earlier, Ron. I believe it's that half turned box at the top." Remus yelled over his shoulder._

_Looking at the last item left in the box was a single card. Much like a business card it read: "Y.A.G" A group for the single man helping to fight against the other men of this world!_

_"What do you have there, Ronnie-kins? IS THAT AN ANTI-GAY CARD?" Sirius' flabbergasted face apparently proved to be too much for Remus, as he chose to throw a pillow into his face.  
_

* * *

Harry just stared at them expectantly.

"Well?" Hermione impatiently asked.

"I thought this was when you accused me of some ludicrous hate act." Harry jibed back.

"Well, no matter the answer, you're kind of 2 for 3." Sirius replied, "Just get on with it and prove us wrong, already."

"Someone is clearly not enjoying this great pork chop." Harry said.

"He's kind of enjoying this a little too much, in my opinion." Ron said to no one in particular. "Let's just get on with it."

* * *

_Exhibit C: The truth of the matter…_

_Being the most famous wizard of the century came with plenty of perks, but it wasn't the part that Harry cared about most. He tirelessly worked hard to advocate for various groups and donate money to plenty of charities. _

_Unfortunately, another downside to being world famous: trying to find help that didn't try to get down your pants. Harry had been without a PA for awhile, the goblins handling most of his money issues, but had no one to take on sifting through the various charities asking for help. _

_Such as, most of the letters and papers accumulating all over Harry's room… _

_The business card in question: "Y.A.G" A group for the single man helping to fight against the other men of this world!; it was one of Harry's earliest propositions. A charity called "You Are Gay"… to help young men find acceptance among his peers._

* * *

"You Are Gay? What kind of a name is that for an advocacy group?" Sirius bellowed.

"Maybe they were trying to make fun of the connotations that come with the statement?" Hermione supplied.

"While simultaneously pronouncing their own orientation from society's point of view. Kind of brilliant, really." Ron agreed.

"Yeah, Sirius, think outside of the box." Remus reprimanded him.

"Well, this is kind of awkward." Ron rubbed his hands together in front of him. Everyone looked as uncomfortable as they felt in this moment.

"So lemme get this straight—you don't hate gay people for public displays of affection?" Sirius inquired.

"Technically there wasn't a gay couple for Harry to hate in that scenario… He very well could still hate gay couples." Hermione thought allowed.

"At least he wasn't trying to convert a gay man like it's some disease, right?" Remus conferred with his lot.

"If you think about, he was just trying to help a mate dissuade the rumors. It still doesn't tell us if Harry is homophobic. I mean, I'd do the same if one of my mates asked me of it." Ron replied back.

"Okay, at least we know he must support it. He did support this Gay Advocacy Group, right?"

"Wrong again, he said it was his earliest proposition, not that he actually attended an event for them or anything." Remus surmised.

"Alright, so what you're saying is that in nearly a week's worth of observations—"

"More like three, really…" Ron only received a glare for his time.

"As I was saying… we have NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING to say about Harry's perspective on gay men!" Sirius ground out.

"THIS IS RUBBISH!" Hermione threw her notes off the table.

"Well what do you suggest we do!" Ron said while turning towards Remus.

"When you're experiments fail, you just go back to the source." Hermione said, "Harry are you homophobic!"

"Guys, didn't I say this at the beginning of dinner already? I'm not homophobic…"

"Well great, I'm glad we got that settled. 'Mione, are we getting cake?"

"Ron, please focus. Don't you remember why we were trying to figure this out!"

Ron stared blankly back for a few seconds—"Oh, right!"—then turned towards the other two men.

"Is someone going to tell me what's going on!" Harry finally asked. The pressure was just becoming a little too much for him.

"I just can't take this anymore, Harry." Sirius abruptly stood up, "This game we're playing is just driving me to absolute madness, I tell you! I'd rather kiss Severus Snape silly than suffer through this, and you all should know how much I hate the smarmy git. Gaahh…"

As if his rant finally expelled all of his pent up frustration, Sirius' wildly gesturing hands suddenly stopped, with one last look at Harry, Sirius' right hand roughly took Remus' in his.

"You see, Harry, I'm quite madly in love with Remus. Crazy, eh?" Sirius smiled down softly at the sitting man before staring apprehensively at the green eyes of quite possibly the most important boy in his life.

"What! You can't expect me to do everything! I thought this was a team effort."

_It really was asking a bit too much of Sirius, wasn't it. _

"What the oaf is trying to say, Harry… Is that me and Sirius, well, we're in a relationship. Of the romantic sort, just to be clear."

If they thought the silence was bad before, the current one was nearly deafening. Such silences never did sit well with Sirius or Ron. Now it was just a matter of seeing which nut would crack first.

"Prongs gave birth to you! It was never Lily!"

"Sirius, That's just not humanly possible…."

"Ahh… but that's where you're wrong, my dear Miss Granger. Before your reign as the brightest witch Hogwarts had ever seen, that title belonged to my dear ickle Lily-kins…"

"Please Sirius, cease and desist! We only came to tell one secret tonight!" Remus panicked.

"I feel like this is going to be a long dinner…" Ron's mind was wandering off to Hermione's cupboards for something to nibble on but quickly dismissing that thought. She was the daughter of dentists…

"So, once upon a time…"

_Twenty-five years previously, to be more exact…._

"Mates, I just don't know if I can take this anymore," none other than James Potter lamented over his mug of butterbeer. Firewhiskey would've been more to his taste, but that was one fight with Lily he didn't want to repeat.

"Oh, come on, Prongs. Things can't be that bad." Sirius smiled in the face of James' misfortune.

"Lily's, what, eight months along? Sorry to break it to you, but you're looking at another month, mate." Remus took a hearty sip of his drink, his eyes twinkling.

"Yeah, it can't be any worse than having He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named after you!" Peter laughed.

"Stop giving the old kook more power, Peter. That sort of name thing probably gives him some sick pleasure, knowing how much you all bow down." Sirius angrily said.

"So-so-sorry, Sirius."

"I just can't understand it—my lovely Lily is driving me mad. First it was all the throwing up and moods, but now… it's so much worse. I just can't bear it. I'd do anything to take away her pain. Have you heard of Braxton-hicks? Well, they're awful, I tell you. This past week we've been up to St. Mungo's so many times, I'm surprised I still have hands."

"They think she'll go in early?" Sirius queried.

"I bloody hope so… Then again, I can't handle seeing her on that bed, moaning and groaning. It looks awful."

"I wouldn't say that kind of stuff around Lily, Prongs. Knowing her, she'd find a way to make sure you went through every excruciating pain with her. Hell, I can imagine her trying to switch bodies with you right before she went into labor." Remus mock reprimanded him.

"Well I don't see why not; I think that's a bloody brilliant idea!" All four men looked behind them to see none other than Lily Potter, looking gloriously pregnant and positively glowing with excitement.

"Uh, Lily darling, whatever are you talking about?" James nervously asked. He wasn't entirely sure they were out of the moody phase of the pregnancy thing.

"Well, James, it's just a little something I've been working on! A charm I've combined with the polyjuice potion, almost like body switching! Oh, would you really take it, James? For me!" Lily breathlessly asked.

"Eh, Lily… I mean what are the chances this even works?"

"That's why we have this final month to test it out! I've been working on this for quite some time now."

"Alone? I happen to know certain friends of yours that are rather good with potions…" James asked suspiciously.

"For the most part; I mean, if you don't want me working with some of my friends… you're going to have to offer me something better."

"Yeah, Prongs, real men can handle child birthing." Sirius grin put the dog he transformed into to shame.

To make a long story short… (Present day - Everyone chorused: 'Too Late') Well let's just say that no man in the world can truly say they love their wife quite like Prongs can.

After 12 gruesome hours and much screaming, little Harry Potter was born on July 31st with a heavily sweating and exhausted James Potter being wheeled out of the Operating room on one bed, a gleeful Lily Potter being wheeled out in another bed carrying their precious bundle and three positively sick-looking mates hanging on for dear life to the walls.

* * *

"What occurred in said Operation room is something we've vowed never to talk about." Sirius grimly said.

"Both Prongs and Lils took that secret to the grave." Remus choked out, looking as white as a sheet.

"I think I'm going to be sick." Ron was positively green and sprinted towards the bathrooms.

"That's absolutely ingenious! I wonder how she possibly managed such a charm." Hermione was able to get out before she ran after Ron, hoping to save her commode.

Remus and Sirius sat nervously in front of Harry, waiting for his reaction.

They both looked at each other, hoping for some courage… and we're surprised to hear raucous laughter suddenly erupt from Harry.

"Oh Merlin, that was great. This has to be one of the best Sunday dinners we've ever had."

"You're not upset, Harry?" Remus cautiously asked.

"Upset over what? That was a great story about my parents."

"Not about that, you dope, about us?" Sirius exasperatedly asked.

"Oh, well, I thought everyone already knew that you two were an item…"

"WAIT, WHAT!" Both men were roaring mad.

"This entire week..."

"All of that anxiety over…"

"Can you believe the nerve of this…"

Harry just laughed at the sputtering two men some more.

"I don't know if you realize this, but those paintings you're always talking to, Sirius? They can pinpoint the date you stopped bringing girls down lonely corridors. And Colin, I meet up with him all the time buying off the stories about you two so that it doesn't get publicized, because I for one know how valuable privacy is. And why do you think Y.A.G. even came to me? Two of the most important men in my life love each other," Harry happily replied back.

"Excuse me while I go scrape my jaw off the floor," Remus couldn't help but bite back.

"What a sly godson I have, Remus! This entire week, we've been trying to observe if he were anti-gay, and he's had one over us all this time." Sirius was flabbergasted.

Remus just shook his head and headed towards the kitchen. "I'm going to make myself another plate; I couldn't eat during dinner at all from all the nerves. Do you two want anything?"

"So, all this time, eh." Sirius grinned.

"Haha, if I've learned anything tonight, old cogger, it's that you lot aren't the brightest." Harry spat back. "Hermione, on the other…. Well, Ron said it well, dumb people bringing you down to their level, right?"

"So you're truly okay with us?"

"More than," Harry genuinely said back in a genuine tone. "One question though."

"Shoot, I've got a lot of answers what with all the time-wising-up I've had to do."

"Sirius, that story about my mum and dad… it was just a story, right?"

"Let me tell you-that's one secret you'll never get out of me." Sirius said with a smirk and a clap on the younger man's shoulder.

End

* * *

**There aren't even enough apologies in the world for how long this took.**

**If you didn't already know, this was a fic challenge between my friend and I. The key scene necessary was mpreg since we have a twisted sense of humor. **

**Thanks to anyone who reviewed!**


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